Self Condemnation

My sleep is gone, my heart is full of sorrow
I cant believe how much I've let you down
I dread the pain that waits for me tomorrow
When the sun reveals my broken dreams scattered on the ground

Please forgive me
I need your grace to make it through
All I have is you, I'm at your mercy
Lord, I'll serve you
Until my dying day
I’ll help others find the way
I’m at your mercy, please forgive me

 Jason Crabb

I am breaking from my normal routine this week because I want to discuss an issue that is deeply troubling in my heart.  I don't know if you have ever experienced this issue, but I bet you have.  Let me ask you a question.  Have you ever felt discouraged by your own actions spurred into action by a perceived judgment against you?  I have. 

We deal with folks in a real way that hurt us, or cause physical or emotional distress far too often, I know.  But I am talking about how we feel about our own reaction to this treatment.  I may not have a lot of scriptural references this week if that's ok.  I feel the urge to just share my heart.  Indulge me as I discuss the problem of Self Condemnation this week.

The issue with Self Condemnation:

Anyone who knows me knows how sensitive I can be.  I have made small, insignificant scenarios into epic events all because of my perception of the situation.  Did you know that our perceptions cause a very high percentage of our problems?  It is true enough to be recorded in the Bible.  Consider the Psalmist words;

Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked [for some] to take pity, but [there was] none; and for comforters, but I found none. Psalms 69:20

David had a heavy heart, due to the situation.   It appears he felt he was being treated unfairly, and found no comfort from others in his situation. He believed that everyone was against him.  He prayed that those that wait on the Lord be not negatively affected because of him.  I have intimate knowledge of this type of guilt.  Whether it is only assumed on my part, or honestly deserved, it is a struggle of mine for all my perceived life.  

As Jason Crabb sings the song listed above, it reminds me all too well that my shame for letting my loved ones down is sometimes unbearable.  It is hard to show Christ to another when pride and arrogance is present.  What causes this type of feeling that keeps us down?  We all know this feeling all too well.  

What happens when we get hurt?  More often than not we pound our chest and fight back.  We get that attitude of "how dare you treat me this way".  When this attitude is being developed we often respond in a very poor manner.  The cycle continues to spiral out of control disappointment of one's self. We may experience depression and then self condemnation.  We often come full circle at that point to ask "why did I act like that...why did I say those things?  I will never be able to fix this...I am too embarrassed to deal with it."  

There is even a worse scenario for me.  I often "perceive" that I had been slighted in some way.   More often than not the other person has no earthly idea what he or she had done.  In fact there may not have been anything they had done, just my perception that they did.  This is worse for me because I typically burn the bridge I just ran across to get away. Then I judge myself far more harshly because I have in fact caused an offense...and for what?  For nothing!

Colson Whitehead, author and commentator once wrote; “We never see other people anyway, only the monsters we make of them.”  It speaks of our perceptions of how people are in our minds.  If we view them outside of the view of Christ, we see a different person, don't we?  Conversely, Dr. Wayne Dyer, an inspirational speaker and author wrote; “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”   

These two writers are saying the same thing, but are coming at the issue with two distinct different viewpoints.  These are not new problems, yet they are very real.  As an old saying goes, "perception is reality".  The problem with perception is if we don't know better, we think the worst.

Paul, while discussing with Timothy some of the finer points of being a minister for Christ made a very astute observation. In his letter he suggests that one that becomes a victim of pride will ultimately fall into condemnation.

Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.  Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. 1Timothy 3:6

For those of you that are very cautious of pulling scripture out of context as I am, you may be thinking "this doesn't fit the topic".  Well, yes it does.  Since we are all ministers of Christ, we are encouraged to follow the tenets of Christ as such.  The point that Paul was trying to make was to not get so full of ourselves that we condemn ourselves through foolish pride.  Pride is the common denominator here.  See, typically when we feel slighted, we set a judgment line. That judgment line is based on our perception of things.  This is a very old trick, packaged in a very clever way.

How about this one:  Do you have a particular sin that you have struggled with your entire life.  Maybe it's one that you've prayed over, cast out, shook your Christ-like fist at...and yet there it is still.  How the hell does it still work in our life?   I got a few of those, just like everyone else.  And, every time I commit one of those stinking sins, it kicks me in my spiritual teeth.  It's like I have no power over it.  It causes me to question my spiritual integrity...big time.  This is not a new issue either.   Paul wrote of his experience in this matter:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.  For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  2Corinthians 12:7-9

The Importance of Forgiveness:

The end result is we feel guilt, depression, condemnation.  We often have had some break in relationships, and this has placed new strains in our daily lives.  And now, we feel despair, wondering how we can ever repair the damage in the wake of our embarrassing actions.  Often we feel the urge to run from the problem.  But that never works does it, because the problem is a real part of us isn't it?  We get to that point where the Holy Spirit becomes of no effect in our lives due to being choked out.  This is the point where we need to honestly re-evaluate our condition and seek the Lord for strength, guidance, mercy and most of all forgiveness.  

We need forgiveness, and only Christ can facilitate this for us as He is the giver of life.  We need to forgive ourselves first.  We need to recognize that we truly are just human, that mistakes are made.  The important thing is to learn what button was pushed to start us on this rollercoaster of feelings.  If we can identify the trigger that set us off, we will then be able to more readily stop the over reaction the next time that trigger is pulled.  

It seems that evil spirits work in patterns.  They understand that we are creatures of habit, that certain things get under our skin, and they make use of that knowledge about us.  The game changer is the Grace of God, and the Righteousness of Christ.  Jason Crabb continues the song his dad wrote in the 2nd stanza with these words;

"I cant believe the God of earth and glory

would take the time to care for one like me

but I read in the bible that old story

how He plead for my forgiveness while He was dying on a tree"

When we allow the devil to affect us as was described above, of the misconception, the over reaction, the hurt that followed and the guilt...all that allowed an evil spirit to work in us, quench the Holy Spirit and kept God from being able to be glorified in us.  We committed sin.  I bet I know what you are thinking.  Bob, we were the ones hurt, spurned, rejected.  Well, maybe, but how did we respond to the situation.  This is where ungodly thoughts arise.  This is the point where forgiveness is needed.  Not for God's best interest, but for ours.  This is where we can begin to heal.

Beloved, if you are still reading at this point, thank you.  It means alot to me.  I hope we can all become better at defeating evil wherever it is...within us or around us, no matter.   Some of the characteristics of God's Holy Spirit that will be active in us, to battle for us will be grace, assurance, mercy, and righteousness.  Discernment wisdom and understanding will be important to deal with future battles.  Love and long-suffering will always be needed.  This is what is called becoming perfected.  The more we know, the more we practice, the more mature and complete we become in Christ.

Paul continued to write about this infirmity of his.  He said;

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.  2Corithians 12:10

Let's pray this week that each of us will be convicted of past hurts and self condemnation.  If we can begin to deal with our self guilt and the things that set us off, we then can begin to be a better minister for Christ.

Here are a few verses to consider for this week's personal devotion time.

Acts 26:15, 16                       Matthew 6:14, 15
Mark 11:25, 26                      2Corintheans 2:10
Romans 8:1                           2Corintheans 3:2
Titus 1:15-17